Save The . . .
Mary Anne receives lots of mail promotions asking her to save all sorts of things, including whales, rivers, tigers, rhinoceroses, bees, wild mustangs, elephants, and orangutans. I try my best to discourage her from contributing to these causes to no avail.
The other day she received a slick mailer pitching, “Save the Oysters.” Perhaps she would be advised against eating these mollusks. If so, there was no need for such a recommendation because despite my urgings Mary Anne refuses to slurp down those slimy bivalves.
“Early settlers must have been close to starvation before deciding to devour one of those slippery things,” she once retorted.
As I read through the solicitation, it mentioned that “Oysters are rich in vitamins and minerals. They are vital to marine ecosystems, as they form reefs that provide habitat for other sea life and act as natural filters, cleaning large amounts of water daily. They can also be cultivated through aquaculture, and their shells are a valuable recyclable resource for building new reefs.” What it did not reveal is that raw oysters are still alive when eaten.
The advertisement clarified that donations would be used to help control Chesapeake Bay pollution and to seed new oyster beds. That’s when it occurred to me that what oysters need is a favorable PR campaign like those used to ingratiate neglected, sad-eyed dogs into our hearts.
So, I ran my idea past Mary Anne.
“Oysters need a new image that will make them seem more anthropomorphic. I propose two dancing oysters, one named Ollie and the other Pearl. As cartoon characters, they would have faces, arms, and legs – sort of like SpongeBob SquarePants.”
“You want me to eat SpongeBob SquarePants?”
“Never mind, just make your donations.”
